December 2011
6 posts
What's the difference between those two chicks?...
Nigga, Because.
I’ve decided I’m going to start all my setences with “by the time you read this”…
My mother used to always tell me it’s not self-importance if you’re a visionary.
Sorry, I think I wasn’t listening or processing or something. TL;DR
Henceforth, and likeso…
Oh, nothing. We were just talking a whole bunch of...
I plan to spend my Christmas holiday walking down...
You hear that Obama? Tell Ebenezer Scrooge im in character..
“Oh nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”.
Right outside your house at 2 am.
"Some people need motivational speakers, some...
I have so many problems in my life that stem from the same place. If you can solve the problem of why Tiffany smells so bad or sucks so bad at taking care of herself-you can solve a lot of her problems in her life.
I look back at things- like no wonder you kept getting fired and getting in trouble. I mean if you keep getting targeting for the same things there’s probably a problem. And...
November 2011
5 posts
It's like being around somebody with perpetual...
I’ve never met somebody so over the top in my life. She makes me want to run over to Beyonce and like her a hug the first minute I meet her.. I’ve just never met anybody without any common sense. Like I’ve met funky people before.. but that was like their natural funk smell. With her it’s like she can’t smell herself so I have to compensate for her like actual oxygen...
I think you're going in the book as having some of...
Like look at your life, look at your experiences, look at what you’ve attracted to you, how much money you could have been making, why your attitude is so poor..
I don’t think her parents took it seriously when they were like your kid has no common sense. Or like she’s retarded or something. And they didn’t take it seriously all those years when Tiffany like really needed...
Where I've been? She is like way too much on the...
Okay I’ve been trying to run around Austin trying to get my body heat and stuff down… so I can kind of like kill of the rest of my self-conscious and take my medicine..
Okay so this girl needs to produce ego death so she can like stop making people so self-conscience whenever they take the focus off her thinking. It’s like really hard to explain… but anyway it’s like...
Okay I can see where your problems are coming...
So Tiffany’s major problem in life.. is not that she’s retarded or slow. But that she kind of like never killed her own ego and formed what’s called a self- conscience. So like a self-conscience is like a feeling that I’m around some- like what do you call it- like a living human being that’s like in tune with itself. Or that can see itself and isn’t lacking in...
I can't figure it out- I hope my family reads...
Okay, so I don’t even know who I’m talking to anymore but I’ve been basically trying to get my life together, and the more I kind of come to an even keel with people- the more I realize Tiffany has like really bad personal problems.
I remember when I was was way younger- like, way way younger. They were kind of like Tiffany has no common sense. Like she can’t drive well,...
October 2011
3 posts
I will edit and clean all this shit out later..
Finger Paint with Tiffany Finger Paintset and Kit…Not for kids…
(Goo/Gloves/Grimey Things?)
Something about Tiffany needed to create the “cookie monster” blow up doll (needs to be cooler, needs a hot black lesbian blowup doll friend)
Paul Van B. Blow Up Doll…. new outfits/costumes/scenarios and/or? ….paraphenalia. Haha
You can now purchase the "Huge Disgusting Fucking...
“Huge Disgusting Fucking Slut” Tiffany Blowup Doll
Comes complete with condiments and compliments to clean your mess up including napkins, ketchup packets, salt and plastic forks for you to….put your spork in?
No I didn’t write this one for you Chipotle Mayo. And no Chris, we did not create ” Tiffany”...
And on the next episode of Mr. Rogers...
Post-traumatic stress syndrome, anyone? Which one of you kids wants to talk about- hold on let me put my sweater on-
Which one of you kids wants to talk about post-traumatic stress syndrome?
It’s depressing ain’t it. Now how about that Jim, what’d they diagnose you with-
Bi-polar?
Bi-? bi? -poly?
Hypersexual attention deficit disorder?
That sound like you?. What about all...
September 2011
29 posts
Coming to terms with my sexual identity, and other...
Okay so I’m going to take a nap. Or two. And then I’m going to write out my story cause they said I should write about my family and what happened when I was at St. Edward’s.
And a list of people I think y’all should investigate related to the story.
FAMILY LIFE:
Okay so here are the events that prompted the nervous...
Quit playing games with my heart.
Shit, at this rate Jesus will be making his appearance too.
For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
I asked him for some money he said “provide me with an overture!!”.
I said, you mean like sing on cue?
I said “what had happened was?…”
Who makes people sing on cue? I thought he meant one of them receipt books or something.
I think he said something about if I needed him to “help keep me in line”.
I hope he wasn’t talking about his dress.
Then...
Okay so we have to go shopping for my roommate.
And we have to get her a lot of stuff. Lot’s of girly stuff.
Think clutter:
So coloring books Pillows Dresses Dolls Teddy Bears/Fluffy Dogs Musical/Singing Toys Smiley Face Onesies Joni
and she doesn’t want a girlfriend.
These are fun..
Wallpaper or something? Or perhaps pictures of us together..
Haha, I have such bad fashion taste. Everything is the same!
Judgement.
They fired me from work the minute I walked in the door.
Couldn’t even make it to the bar.
They said “here’s your sign sweetheart”.
And then I went out the way I came in.
Two can win.
I said you know you ghetto when the most exciting thing in your life is waiting on someone else to file a police report. Shit I been waiting on this shit like it was the first.
..Big money, big money, big money.
Nigga -where is my case number?
Chris got a new book for his dog.
Oh lordy, I’m about to be cross-examined by a schizophrenic.
I hate you bitch.
I was watching her from the stairs the other day.
I think she wanted to come up and say hello.
I just started to knock this little bitch right back on down the stairs.
I was like fly, fly my precious. Fly back on down the stairs.
That’s fucked up. Don’t they do that shit to horses?
Otis.
Shoving the ice cream sandwich into her mouth she relished “this the best thing since toilet paper”.
President Carter.
I went into the stall and grabbed a roll of napkins. About 8 sheets worth.
Then I walked into the stall and saw Dylan. I said I don’t why I grabbed this many.
She looked at me, and said ” I don’t know either”.
I folded them and assured her;
Don’t worry, I’ve got a strategy.
I'm not into intimacy.
You give me ojo.
I was looking at my aunt’s facebook statuses. She’s kind of like the family historian. I was surprised to see a recent one about my grandmother needing some sort of operation on her heart. It’s kind of fucked up but every time I go onto her facebook she’s giving some sort of update or announcement on the latest person who’s been stricken with illness. I think she...
Why do we look the same in every single picture?
If you stole stuff from me, or planned to steal from me, or any of those derivatives of the suffix. Then I’m going to try and get you sent to jail.
Help me please.
She came home and said “Phillip got 6 months for the POM”.
I said Oh.
Why they didn’t give you the same thing?
I tried to act like I was sad or something.
I said I’m surprised she didn’t beat his bitchass up already.
I remember when we first moved in. We moved specifically because he was abusive. Next thing I know he had moved in too.
The first day of our stay...
My minds playing tricks on me.
So yesterday I came home and there were empty beer cans in my room, and my roommate who I think might have developed some sort of worsening psychosis was just sitting by the door. Just a few days prior she stormed up the staircase and threatened to “smash my face in” if I called the cops on her, so when I saw the beer cans I asked her who has been in my room. Since we’re...
Choose One.
I’ve been trying to rationalize the experiences I’ve been having the past few weeks, but am finding that few words suffice. I’ve tried to calm the newcomers down with a disclaimer, that no that guy is not having a spontaneous nervous breakdown, people often overreact to meeting me.
All the white people I’ve been meeting lately go out of their way to remind me that...
Child Molestors.
I was wondering why I had such grandiose ideas as a child. Seriously, I was too grown. I knew I wanted to be a porn star when I was like 5. And now when people ask me why I’m a stripper, I feel like I just have my story straight.
Are you kidding me? I always wanted to be a stripper. I was born to do this.
Why are you so determined? You like, can’t explain yourself.
…… I...
Kill me, please.
It’s Saturday.
Over the Top!
And then I was like ” Hey, can I play with your hair?”
And then she was like “but you smell like Scooby Snacks”.
And that’s when I said ” Well you should know what you did.”
That’s when I called her a filthy, meddling kid. And then clenched.
And then she was all “No, I don’t”.
…” I don’t know what I...
Where in the world is Galapagos?
I came home Tuesday morning at around 5 am to find that my roommate’s dog had somehow climbed the stairs into my room and shat everywhere. I mean huge turd logs all over the floor, practically melting onto my clothes pile.
I asked “how did the dog get into my room? She shat everywhere”.
A quick glance-over the room and she’s making her back downstairs to nestle into...
It's not organic gardening if you're growing pot.
Trust Issues.
Crackhead I met the other day asked, “hey where’s your man at?”
I said “he don’t live over here”.
He said, “you tripping”.
I said “I think he live in Westlake somewhere.”
He said “word”.
I said “yep”.
He said ” If you was my woman, I wouldn’t have you staying on the East. You wouldn’t have...
No help from y'all niggas.
Real vision pimpin’, the only reason you been getting dances lately is because motherfuckers, listen to what I’m sayin’, motherfuckers feel spiritually pressured into a getting a dance from you. That’s the only reason. You put a whole lot of spiritual pressure on people to purchase a dance from you. They feel bad.
I know because I be feeling bad, you know cause see,...
First time we hung out, she invited me over to smoke. She looked me very deeply in the eye, pointed to the street and said “Look it’s a dolphin!”.
I was like “mmm bop thinkin bout’ bop mmm bop”.
Dolphins don’t exist.
Texans have bigger imaginations.
DTF; Down to Fuck.
Say shawty I’ma keep it real with ya I aint trying to be all up in your business, and I got that much to say about what you paid for, supposedly, or what you thought you was getting, but if you ain’t down to fuck, then you finst’ to get the fuck up out my angel network.
It's repressed.
I was going to write my thesis but I decided to fill this space with incessant bitching about the male author’s attitudes towards women instead.
August 2011
13 posts
Who drunk my milkshake?
My roommate has been so distraught the past few days, she’s been acting like she got raped, or assaulted or something. Don’t ask me how I inferred that.
She’s been so upset, even at work. I’m a comforting person, but you know, I was like you better come up with your half of the rent shawty. Shhhiiiit, fucking with me.
I’ll drop your little ass back off on the same...
The best sex I never had.
I was talking to my friend about it the other day, I said man I should’ve known that boy was throwed off. I remember one of the first times I asked him about his job , I said ” what do you do?”.
He said ” Hedge funds, demolitions, aquisitions, and scrimmages”.
I was like, naw that don’t even sound right. I’m supposed to be a comedian, I should be doing...
Do The "Crip Walk"
Everybody in the club gone testify we just sat there and watched this bitch do the C walk. She dun’ crip walked her way on out the bar. I was like “do ya’ll see this bitch?” Everybody, do the C walk in this bitch so she can know people see her. That look like a dance move, she dun’ taught us something new. Just precious.
See:
...
Catch-22.
Tumblr actually didn’t save my post from yesterday, so I’m retyping it because I want to think.The post was about how my life is a great example of a social experiment gone way wrong. A few posts back I complained about the level of discrimination I was experiencing at work, and I wrote again last night because the problem has gotten worse. It’s interesting for many reasons,...
A Dead Man's Jokes.
And while we’re on the subject, I think a lot of you are untrustworthy vultures just waiting around for me to get locked up so you can try and steal my stuff. You all got a lot of nerve, laughing at a dead man’s jokes.
-I’m only saying this, cause it’s Sunday of course.
Well, that was anti-climactic.
If in the case that I did go to jail without notice, then control of my personal website (a-musingz.tumblr.com) would go to the sole person I am in in the process of giving written, limited permission of it to. Or I’d just delete it.
-Tiffany Davis
Don't quit your day job.
I went to the Velveeta Room and the guy outside checked the performance list, and my name wasn’t on it. Despite the fact that I’m sure I signed up in time. He said “you haven’t been performing so your name’s not going to show up on the list. You have to have had been performing for a few weeks in a row to really get a spot”. To which I responded that I work a...